well you can't waste a boner
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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