The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Randomize
