About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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