god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
