Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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