god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
