I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
