i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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