Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
