I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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