I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
