My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
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I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
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Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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