i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i think i have two assholes
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
