Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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