i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
