Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
