My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
