i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
