upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
