allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
