True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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