Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
