i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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