I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
