My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
