He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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