just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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