I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
