We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
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Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
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I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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