I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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