I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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