Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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