I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
