I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
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I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
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