Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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