so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
