hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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