can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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