He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
