Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
