part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
