My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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