I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
