i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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