You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
wakey wakey hands off snakey
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
