someone threw a dead crab at me
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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