kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
accomplished twins. life is a go
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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