I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
