Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
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It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
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Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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