WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Randomize
