Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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