I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
