I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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