after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
