2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
