If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
